Fighting a losing battle...

I'm nose diving hard.

I feel guilty for everything.

The 'normal' part of me tells me I'm being a twat. The other side just creates the worry, anxiety, tears.

My mother asked me yesterday (after yawning constantly for an hour) if I didn't sleep very well. I told her that I was still awake gone 3 as I had quite a bad anxiety attack. This started a conversation of questions from her. Why? What caused that? What the matter with you? etc etc. She knows that I have, in her words, 'been a bit low' in the past. Today she asked me if I felt better today. I always avoid talking to her about my illness. She is 'old school' and really has NO idea. I tried explaining that it isnt any one thing that sparks it off. It is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life and that I will be OK.
I don't want them to worry. They are elderly. I feel guilty for the conversation I had with her today. She will either worry and try and be overly nice to me or ignore it completely. I'm not sure which I prefer.

I feel like I am letting my daughter down. I feel like I am not doing a well enough job at raising her. I have no help and hope I am doing OK. Everyone tells me I am, but the BD plays with my head and makes me believe that nothing I do is ever quite good enough.

I don't want my partner to kiss or touch me. I definitely don't want to have sex. I tried to explain to him today that when I'm feeling like this I just can't be affectionate with him. He told me he understood and that's why he hasn't pushed the matter. But, how long for?

I'm anxious about being anxious. I feel sick all day, everyday. I have put off going to the doctors. I know I need to. I also know they will try giving me citalopram. This didn't work for me for 4 years so why would it now? Even when they increased the dosage. Several times.

The one thing that makes me get out of bed in the morning is my baby. She is the sole reason for everything I do.

Why am I so sad? Why do I feel so down? Why do I think about all those things that has happened in my life that went so badly wrong? Do I really deserve to feel like this ALL the fucking time? Why are there people in my life that I really can not get out of life so intent on making me feel like all those things I really never was/am? Will this ever end?

All rhetorical of course. If this post was someone else's I would see it all very differently. But I can't see outside my own black dog fog.

Other than the baby, this almost could have been written by me.

I also had a lengthy conversation with my mother on Saturday. She tries so hard to be supportive but she really doesn't get it. My father also suffers with chronic depression and anxiety and she struggles to control her frustration and impatience. I also don't like telling her about the real black pit of despair because I don't want to upset and worry her.

I also find it very difficult to enter into any real physical intimacy with my husband, I can and do talk to him about things I couldn't talk to anyone else about and the one thing I couldn't live without is knowing I can run into his arms and cry and he's always there for me. But anything remotely sexual just makes me incredibly uncomfortable. He's one of the most patient and understanding people in the world thankfully, but I do feel like a complete failure and incredibly guilty, which of course adds to the anxiety. If it's any consolation he's been putting up with it for years.

My doctor finally switched me from citalopram when it was obvious that even at the max dose it was doing nothing. I'm now on Dosulepin which if nothing else does help me sleep.

As for the rest of it, no, you don't really deserve to feel this bad. From the sound of all you have to deal with it seems you're doing an amazing job of coping. As for the people in your life, I think sometimes we hold on to relationships out of guilt and duty, or because dealing with someone elses demons can seem easier than dealing with our own, or even some twisted need to keep these people around to punish ourselves somehow. It may seem impossible to break away from them, but sometimes it's the best thing for everyone.

My mother was once told, regarding her own mother who was a master manipulator, that these people are "as naughty as you allow them to be".

No idea if any of this is remotely helpful, but hope you're having a better day. The sun is briefly shining here and our swallows have returned, maybe this is a good sign.

Just knowing I'm not alone is a comfort. Thank you x