Struggling a bit today....

That's it really. Busy weekend, too much stress, children cooped up because of the weather. Work is like a break sometimes but I can't concentrate and I need to offload. I just feel disconnected and tired and sad. I've got so much to do though that I have no time for that.

That's all. It will pass, I know it will, just need to ride it out and keep my head down.

Feeling exactly the same and so frustrated and angry because I feel like this after so many months of feeling resonably good and in control. So difficult when its a work day and you have to go in and get stuff done. If I had Migraines or some other more sociably acceptable illness then I could ring my boss and say I had an attack of it over the weekend and could I work from home today? I feel like I could burst into tears at the slightest comment from a colleague which would be utterly mortifying as Im the manager and meant to have it all together and they don't know about me.

Hang in there. Allready there's two of us Ellie. I don't know who you are but I do know how you feel x

Hi Stephanie - thanks for replying. That's why this forum is so useful sometimes, there's nowhere else you can go where you know people will understand. Is very true what you say - if was a physical thing wouldn't think twice about saying needed support or some time off would we?

I am getting very little done, which makes me feel a bit useless, but am here, so I guess that's something.

I get like that wanting to cry at everything thing too - distraction is key otherwise it all gets out of hand. Can you go out for a walk or something at lunchtime? Will that help?

Hi Ellie,

Did you get to the end of the day ok? I didn't manage anything productive and I fear that I may have snapped at a few people but its nearly 5.30 and I can go home where I don't have to be something Im not today and there aren't as many people.
Today was my first day on Black Dag tribe and seeing your post really helped.
The fact that we came into work and stayed for the day is a big achievement.
Good luck this evening. Check in tomorrow?

Well done you! I made it to the end of it too and don't think anyone noticed too much... Had a meeting where I had to look like I knew what I was doing at the end of the day so mostly stayed quiet, let other people blab and said as little as possible. Is done now and tomorrow is another day....

Fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow. Good luck to you too - and welcome to the tribe x

How are you doing today Ellie?....

Im feeling much better but now trying to keep a lid on it as I can feel myself getting manic because Im excited to feel good today. Keeping the Bio Polar seesaw balanced is so exhausting. I feel like I want to redecorate the whole house, go out and buy lots of things and get on a train and travel somewhere all at the same time. I know I will just come crashing down again if I do all that though (plus, it makes me broke and I never finish what Ive started which drives my husband nuts!)

I lay in the bath with my head mostly submerged under water for a long time last night. Having my ears under water so I can only hear my own heart seems to help slow me down when Im very anxious and my heart is beating too fast. Its a good trick for what its worth....

Posted twice by accident.

Hey Stephanie - glad you are feeling more positive today.

I think I am too though still not concentrating particularly well. I don't get manic (my Dad is bi-polar so am familiar with it though) but I do understand the drive to do stuff - when I am feeling wobbly I sometimes start doing stupid reckless stuff - drinking too much, wanting to have flirty relationships/shag around, that kind of thing. I've noticed it creeping in lately, along with the kind of anxious irritability and disconnected feeling I get with it. I also get a bit eating disordered - so although last night I was pleased that I went home and relaxed and didn't have a glass of wine, I did throw up my dinner. So today I have to do all my CBT thinking about food or that will all start again. And my boss commmented that I had put on weight, so will need to try very hard not to let that bother me.

God, sorry, that was a bit of a rant wasn't it? I bet you're sorry you asked now! It's just so nice sometimes to talk really honestly rather than having to hide stuff.

I have a report to write today. I'm better with a deadline so hopefully I should get it done and then will feel like have achieved something.

Hope you manage the day OK - try to keep yourself calm (though I guess you can't have a bath at work). I find that doing a bit of mindfullness breathing for about a minute helps me sometimes. Just concentrating on my breathing and nothing else - slows it all down.

Ellie x

Hi guys, it's really helpful to see people being positive about their day and trying to getting stuff done. I've been off work since end of January, and have a meeting with them this afternoon to discuss how they can help me back - to put it mildly, I'm bricking it! I too am a manager, and am always trying to hide my feelings from my staff, colleagues and everyone else! I'm hoping to go back to work next week, I do need to get back to some sort of reality, but really worried how I will cope! Anyway thanks, your posts have helped me to take it one step at a time x

Hi Kaz - good luck for today. Are your work supportive then? If you are worried have you thought about taking someone to the meeting with you?

Ellie - Your boss has no business commenting on your weight! Thats actually illegal! Poor you.
I drink too much and am very innapropriate when Im manic - sexually, conversation etc. The words 'work drinks' fill me with terror because I am so terrified of relaxing and saying something I shouldn't. Even then I obsess over every single thing that anyone has said that night just in case it was a signal that I did something wrong. It can take me days to stop doing that.
I got the feeling that people noticed I was bad yesterday so I ended up having to 'out' myself to my line manager and the HR lady. They are both really nice and Ive asked them not to tell the two MDS. They were very good about it and I managed to explain it very matter of factly. Ive been high functioning for about 6 years now with only the occasional wobble and my meds are really low. Ive been at the company a year now (my longest ever job) and just had a really good annual review so fingers crossed it will be fine.
They are not the sort of people who pity you which is great, I don't want pity and I don't want to be treated like Im sick or different.

Good luck with your meeting Kaz - mine was scary but Im glad Ive done it (I think). Having a job really helps me with routine and gives me somewhere I have to be each day. If I can make myself get into work then usually Im better once Im there and I feel like Ive at least achieved that. Days at home on my own left me very much 'in my own head' which isn't good.

That's great Stephanie - well done! Really good that work gave you a positive reaction too. I'm with you on that one - I don't want pity or misplaced sympathy, just a certain level of insight and trust that I can manage things and will ask for help if I need it. So far, that's been my experience (in my current place, my last job were horrible).

Ditto the work drinks thing for me too! I have learned the hard way to be very careful - otherwise it'll be me who is the one dancing on the tables and saying inappropriate things/allowing myself to get groped and the stress of it after is awful. Fingers crossed I haven't done anything too bad for a bit, but that's mainly because I have been very careful not to put myself in those situations. I really mucked up my first marriage and don't want to do that again, not now I have children.

Yesterday at my meeting I made a flippant comment at the end and have been obsessing about it and whether I looked like an idiot. I think I probably just need to let it go though.

Glad you have had such a positive experience today - it's really so useful for me hearing stuff like this from other people. Reminds me that I am not quite so abnormal!

Hi guys, the meeting went well. I'm going back to work next week, on a phased return - work have been really supportive throughout, which I realise is not always the case. I did take a union rep, (who is also a good friend) into the meeting with me, for some support, but I am lucky, i guess, to have such understanding employers.

Hope you are both ok - as hard as it is, excessive drinking is only going to fuel your feelings of depression and anxiety. I too have been there, especially during my late teens. Try and stay positive and strong. Take care x

The drinking thing is a terrible one to balance - if you don't drink and you are the only sober one in the room then you can feel out of step with everyone else. This makes me feel more isolated and 'different' from everyone else, but on the otherhand it can easily make me manic and inappropriate, or go the other way and become depressed and start oversharing with people. Especially bad when its work people.

Glad you're going back to work, thats a really big step. You should be proud.

Hey Ellie - how's it going today miss? x

Hey - glad things went well Kaz - that sounds really positive.

Stephanie - It was going pretty good - but not so well now. Good end of week, lots of work done and then went out friday. I am being inappropriate and odd at the moment though and a bit excited and fun and frivolous and people thought I was enormous fun - but then today is all sad and tired and crash and bad. I sometimes whether I have a sort of mild bi-polar - I don't know if that's even possible. Did stupid inappropriate flirting on friday when drunk - propositioned someone - god I feel stupid and shit now. And my gran died yesterday so supporting my Dad. And I had too much wine. I think I need to give up drinking for a bit I think it send my mood screwy and I have a tendency to do everything too much at the best of times, so add in alcohol and the mix ain't pretty.

Sorry for moaning. Am boring even myself now. How are you Steph?