Bleak isolation

I am a recovering alcoholic and I also suffer from severe depression. I am also a successful professional who on the surface appears to have it all. Inside however I am dying. My life is one of bleak despair and isolation.

I am getting closer and closer to killing myself. I know exactly how I would do it and I have everything I need. I feel guilty because I know that really I have nothing to complain about but I want this pain to stop. I want there to be blackness and nothingness.

I cannot tell anyone how I feel because it would be used against me and it would be said that I cannot cope. People think nothing of making huge demands of me professionally and personally which on the surface I can deliver. Inside however it is killing me. I feel like I am screaming in my head at the top of my voice but no sound is coming out and no one is listening.

I want it all to stop. I want peace.

I am a recovering alcoholic and I also suffer from severe depression. I am also a successful professional who on the surface appears to have it all. Inside however I am dying. My life is one of bleak despair and isolation.

I am getting closer and closer to killing myself. I know exactly how I would do it and I have everything I need. I feel guilty because I know that really I have nothing to complain about but I want this pain to stop. I want there to be blackness and nothingness.

I cannot tell anyone how I feel because it would be used against me and it would be said that I cannot cope. People think nothing of making huge demands of me professionally and personally which on the surface I can deliver. Inside however it is killing me. I feel like I am screaming in my head at the top of my voice but no sound is coming out and no one is listening.

I want it all to stop. I want peace.

i just want the pain to stop is well maybe it might help if you talked to some one who dint know who you was that why they couldn't use it against you because they dint know who you was just pick some one any one and see what happens.

Sarahshopper100
Hello and welcome to this tribe.
I'm not a successful professional, and I haven't got it all, however, you must have worked very hard to get where you are today, I admire you
on those points. I have severe clinical depression for over forty years, so fully understand your pain and despair. Very well done for giving up the drink it must have been so hard to do, but drink and depression just don't go together. The very fact that you are reaching out asking for help is a good sign, although you have planed your death deep inside you realy don't want to end your life...
Are you on medication and seen your GP ? Please get some professional help NOW!
Keep writing to us on this site, everyone is kind and understands, will not judge or desert you when you need to write.
People seem to take you for granted at work etc., it's because you are always willing to take on extra, don't moan, and just get on with it.
It's always you giving and giving, nothing in return, it's no wonder you
feel so bad. It's time to rest, relax your worn out mind, and get the help you so badly need. Don't feel any guilt, you have this horrid illness
its not your fault, don't give in, please hang on, things can't get any worse, you are already in the black hole, if you look hard enough you will see a faint ray of light at the top of that hole.. Grab it.
Thinking about you, sending hope and kind thoughts.
Dalia.

Yes I am fortunate to be able to afford to see my Consultant Psychiatrist privately and also a therapist. I take huge quantities of medication. All this makes me feel more guilty because I know that compared to many I have nothing to complain about.

I have suffered with depression all my life. I used to think it was normal to want to kill yourself it was just that everyone else coped with it better than I did. When I was in my twenties I used to want to get underneath the mattress to hide from the world.

I have been terribly badly hurt by someone who I loved deeply and I have suffered professionally and personally because of this. I feel that whatever I do I can never get away from this. I have lost my trust in people and I can almost touch the clear perspex cylinder that I have built around myself. I daren't let anyone in to hurt me again or to see how mad I really am. And above all I must stay away from alcohol. That is what I used to use to bring me some respite from my depression but now I have nothing to switch it off. I just want to switch it off. I am so lonely, so isolated and so afraid.

Yes I am fortunate to be able to afford to see my Consultant Psychiatrist privately and also a therapist. I take huge quantities of medication. All this makes me feel more guilty because I know that compared to many I have nothing to complain about.

I have suffered with depression all my life. I used to think it was normal to want to kill yourself it was just that everyone else coped with it better than I did. When I was in my twenties I used to want to get underneath the mattress to hide from the world.

I have been terribly badly hurt by someone who I loved deeply and I have suffered professionally and personally because of this. I feel that whatever I do I can never get away from this. I have lost my trust in people and I can almost touch the clear perspex cylinder that I have built around myself. I daren't let anyone in to hurt me again or to see how mad I really am. And above all I must stay away from alcohol. That is what I used to use to bring me some respite from my depression but now I have nothing to switch it off. I just want to switch it off. I am so lonely, so isolated and so afraid.

me too i am so lonely isolated and scared i am a real mess.

Hi Sarahshopper100
I to have been hurt by a lost love, I felt just the way you do, shut myself off from the world, promised myself never to love again, to this day Ive kept to my promise. It's been a long hard battle of recovery from heartbreak, but yes I'm still kicking, will always have depression and will always be on medication. I've had to learn to live with it, some days I'm ok, then others I'm back in that pit. One way to fight it is to talk to others who understand how you feel. This site has helped me so much, don't know what I would do without the kindness, advice and comfort the like minded people have given to me.
Try not to be so scared, your not on your own anymore, you have us!
Get back to you GP and tell him/her the way you realy feel.
Kind thoughts Dalia.

You are kind but I don't want to live the kind of half life that I am living now and that you are describing. The future stretches out bleak and lonely and full of humiliation and pain. The only reason I have not killed myself is the fear of what it would do to my two children and yet I resent them as the reason why I must go on living this life.

There is no hope for me. It is over.

You are kind but I don't want to live the kind of half life that I am living now and that you are describing. The future stretches out bleak and lonely and full of humiliation and pain. The only reason I have not killed myself is the fear of what it would do to my two children and yet I resent them as the reason why I must go on living this life.

There is no hope for me. It is over.

there is all ways hope.

but when i get down i keep on thinking there is no hope.

i don't really get it i say there is hope then i say there is no hope for me.

but there is all ways hope for you.

I feel the same, or as they say 'I can relate with what you are saying'.
Depression,
Alcoholism,
Suicidal attempts in my past and thoughts reoccurring recently.
I also have a child who I really love but I think I have to go through this wall for. I wish I could just run away and not have to look at myself in the mirror.
Can you get a holiday??
I think I'd be Ok if I could live on a permanent holiday.
You need some time for yourself and to get some distance if everyone is making demands.

I am going on holiday tomorrow but the enforced inactivity of being on holiday and also being around other people 24/7 will be incredibly stressful. I feel hopeless. I just want it all to stop.

Ok if I were a Genie what 3 wishes would you ask for? Can only be positive things! This will tell me what sort of things really motivate you and I'd be happy to comment further on your reply. Hope you had a good holiday.