sarahshopper100 wrote:I am a recovering alcoholic and I also suffer from severe depression. I am also a successful professional who on the surface appears to have it all. Inside however I am dying. My life is one of bleak despair and isolation.
I am getting closer and closer to killing myself. I know exactly how I would do it and I have everything I need. I feel guilty because I know that really I have nothing to complain about but I want this pain to stop. I want there to be blackness and nothingness.
I cannot tell anyone how I feel because it would be used against me and it would be said that I cannot cope. People think nothing of making huge demands of me professionally and personally which on the surface I can deliver. Inside however it is killing me. I feel like I am screaming in my head at the top of my voice but no sound is coming out and no one is listening.
I want it all to stop. I want peace.
sarahshopper100 wrote:Yes I am fortunate to be able to afford to see my Consultant Psychiatrist privately and also a therapist. I take huge quantities of medication. All this makes me feel more guilty because I know that compared to many I have nothing to complain about.
I have suffered with depression all my life. I used to think it was normal to want to kill yourself it was just that everyone else coped with it better than I did. When I was in my twenties I used to want to get underneath the mattress to hide from the world.
I have been terribly badly hurt by someone who I loved deeply and I have suffered professionally and personally because of this. I feel that whatever I do I can never get away from this. I have lost my trust in people and I can almost touch the clear perspex cylinder that I have built around myself. I daren't let anyone in to hurt me again or to see how mad I really am. And above all I must stay away from alcohol. That is what I used to use to bring me some respite from my depression but now I have nothing to switch it off. I just want to switch it off. I am so lonely, so isolated and so afraid.
sarahshopper100 wrote:You are kind but I don't want to live the kind of half life that I am living now and that you are describing. The future stretches out bleak and lonely and full of humiliation and pain. The only reason I have not killed myself is the fear of what it would do to my two children and yet I resent them as the reason why I must go on living this life.
There is no hope for me. It is over.