The 500lb Elephant in the Forum - Suicide

Concerning suicide:This is a tricky one to explain fully, and I am very aware that it is difficult to put a positive 'spin' on this subject.

But like it or not, it is a natural response to deep dark depression of all kinds. I know because I am a double survivor.

Perhaps the best way to tackle it would be to have a Forum for 'Survivors of Suicide'. Then those who have endured and survived suicides of their nearest and dearest could contribute how they survived - what helped them etc etc.

People who might be contemplating this permanent soloution to what should be a temporary problem may gain insight and perspective which pulls them back from the brink.

May I also suggest that a 'Buddy' system be set up for this subject. I was totally alone to deal with mine and almost succumbed twice. Even though I could see the terrible legacy left to those who had survived it.

Having that someone to 'speak' to (espeically when anonymous and via the web) would be a lifeline, but not one which would threaten the anonymity of the distresed person.

This discussion is a good start, Jewels.

I wouldn't describe myself as a "survivor" of suicide because at worst, I was a low risk. But I was obsessed with suicide.

Thinking about it gave me ease. The emotions settled, my thoughts became clearer, and and I actually felt calm when I thought about it.

It never lasted for long, because the thoughts always strayed onto how my children would be affected - they have shared much of the sleep deprivation and disturbance of home life that has caused my own illness, and I could never allow myself to be cruel enough to make their suffering worse.

But I will never forget the relief and gentleness of those moments.

Hi Fogey - I found your post fascinating. It fits with something my late husband said to me in an email before comleting his suicide. He said that a great calmness had come over him once the decision was made. And since he was 2 continents away in an unknown location, nothing I could do would stop him.

Unlike you, and lacking empathy (as as I see clearly now with hindsight), he could not envisage the devastation and despair that his demise would cause to those people who cared for him.

Your children are very lucky to have such a wonderfully thoughtful kind and compassionate father.

Best wishes


Julie

Hi both, I just wanted to share my thoughts surrounding suicide - like Fogey, I'm not high risk & I barely think of it at all these days, but during the very dark days I can only describe it as the only logical solution, the only way out of the mess that is my life & the only way of taking back control.

Though when I'm okay I see what an awful mess it would make for the people I love, when I'm low I have a lot of hatred for myself & I often think of suicide because I think my children (3mo & 4yo) deserve to not be subject to my moods & I think my OH deserves more too. I think I am not worthy of living & so it is not through lack of thought for my children but through self hatred & not wanting to put them through the tears & also despairing that they will learn the behaviour I sometimes display.

These days, these thoughts don't creep on so much & so the majority of my thinking is more positive, but when the majority of my thoughts were negative & destructive ones it was very hard to think outside of the little box I was trapped in.

Wishing you both the best.

When I imagine it I do feel very calm and relaxed.

i survived it only tride to do it the once now have a three year old grandaughter when time's are bad i go and see her and my daughter make's me think what it would do to them, thay make me smile and it blow's the cloud's away
garry

well i have tried to kill myself more then once and well i'm not dead so i did survive do you mean someone who tried to kill them self and got through it but still wants to kill them self or someone who tried to kill them self and no longer want to do it and is better and sane or both.

xoox

A few weeks ago when I was describing my suicidal thoughts to my Dr and counsellor, I used some phrases that others have mentioned here.

My thoughts of death have never been violent or step by step plans. I feel like I become just so overwhelmed with physical emotion and mental frustration that I need to release my soul from my body. I too have felt a deep peace and comfort at the thought of dying, but I often just go to sleep and hope I don''t wake up.

I will eventually end up thinking of my younger brother and could never harm myself as long as he is around, i just don't want to give him any reason to be sad or lonely or embarrassed where it concerns me.
It seems that sometimes it is the love or concern for a loved one that hinders a person from carrying out a suicide attempt.

However I feel concern and empathy for all those sufferers out there right now. Those who are crying into their pillows or staring blankly, empty inside, who are thinking of killing themselves. Those who may feel they do not have a loved one to live for. For you, I pray for your mind to find clarity and your soul to have enough self love to make it through another day xo

I too have been in that still moment where you pray for death.
IT CAN PASS.... IT DOES PASS.... and you can wake up one morning and feel not as hopeless. And then the next day you want to make yourself a cup of tea..... slowly each day becomes a little easier to endure. I no longer watch tragic news/Tv/Movies. Even watching some comedy shows on TV have helped my smile and laugh when nothing else could.
FIND a small JOY and focus on that and know that you are never alone

Hairyghost, you have spoken deep nonjudgemental words, thankyou.
Wednesday

Wednesday i feel the more we are honest with ourselves and each other on this site the better. Maybe those who cant afford a counsellor can read our words and feel like they aren''t crazy after all..... or pick up a positive tip to try out.
We are all here to support each other, if im feeling okay i want to encourage others, but when im having a low then hopefully someone else will write me some encouraging words

Hi Hairyghost theres a song i listen to and some of the lyrics are,"when we collide we come together, if we don't we'ill always be apart". Its whats this sites about i think but colliding in the good sense of the word.We have a complete understanding of each other on here. And when i read your words i felt so much comfort last night, better than any medication.
Words are so powerfull hairyghost, some harm and some heal.Yours heal and if you ever need to let go of anything im here and so are others.At times you may not get much sense out of me,or understand me because i have a thing about song lyrics , to me theres always a deep meaning in them thats telling me things.
Hairyghost i need to thank you again.
Love Wednesday

Thankyou Wednesday xoxo i havent logged on in a while so only saw your reply today.... i have had some down days, weeks....
It a waiting game often... waiting for the Depression to let go.
I find it comes without warning and then also leaves by itself, with no real input from me??
I am slowly feeling my mood improve, feeling like i have more control over my minds thoughts again.
xoxoxox

Depression is a waiting game, it plays games with my mind.It makes me want to constantly sleep and the monsters wont allow me to eat.
Im glad you are coming out of the darkness, darkness chases me its worse than the black dog.
Keep strong Hairyghost
Love Wednesday

I made a serious attempt in 2003. I had been severely depressed for years and could bear no more. I had been working (or at least turning up for work in the bank) but I was a mess inside.

I had been buying painkillers in different pharamacies for days leading up to the actual day I had planned. On that day I knew my partner was going to be out for the night, but all during that day (I was off work) an unbelieveable calmness came over me, I could almost touch it. It was like the past 15 years of pain and hell were soon to be over and I knew it.

It obviously didn't work. I ended up on life support in intensive care for 3 weeks. I haven't worked since. I have treatment resistant major depression and nothing gives me relief only ECT.

Yes, suicidal thoughts come up a lot for me but I know I cannot act on them now. I can't put my partner through the pain (nor my family but especially my bf) again. So I just have to bear this cross until my natural time comes.

Which I pray will be sooner rather than later.