Let’s stop stigma – support better mental health

Ruby on the importance of friendship

Ruby is away at the moment performing her new one-woman show Lost It in South Africa. As she's doing her bit for raising awareness for mental health issues through comedy, we decided to give her a week off.

So we've taken a dip in the archive and here's what has proved to be one of Ruby's most popular blog posts so far: I get by with a little help from my friends.

 

Ok if I can’t say it here, I can never say it, I feel the pitter patter of a depression coming on.  I can sense it before it actually swamps me because for the past 3 years I’ve been studying mindfulness just for this eventuality. I sit daily for about 20 minutes watching the workings of my mind and the awareness itself brings a sense of ease because you actually experience that thoughts aren’t solid facts.  And with that in mind you learn to let go of panics, worries, fears about the future knowing these thoughts will only lead to depression.

Mindfulness is like checking your internal weather conditions and so I’ve come to the realisation it’s starting to rain in my brain. This mindfulness brings with it an early warning system.  I know something isn’t right in me because those negative thoughts have reared their heads which means chemicals like cortisol (linked with depression) have begun to flow. I can tell because I’m starting to compulsively make lists and they never end no matter how much I do in a day.

My body feels like it is on red light alert for danger and of course there is no real danger, it’s just my thoughts that are dangerous taunting me, abusing, me criticising me telling me I’m going to fail, lose, get caught. This is the stuff of depression. Those thoughts are depression.

It is so agonising on your own because you think your friends don’t want to know and who are we to suffer when the rest of the world has it much worse. I am glad we now have Blackdogtribe.com to share these feelings of fear, isolation, shame with our like-minded Tribers.

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Ardworkinmuma wrote on 11 | 12 | 2012
You are doing everything to to stop it, but still it comes and engulf you in every poor of your being. Just how it hits you is different for all of us. We walk the steps, do our mind control, watch and wait for it to hit to be able to deal with it. But it does happen and you are not alone. We are all waiting for it too. I could say 'keep going' or 'well done for getting this far' but it will mean nothing for you just as It doesnt for me. So ill say I understand and walk silently with you in your pain. Sending love
Rita K wrote on 08 | 16 | 2012
This is about the fifth time I have tried to post and keep losing it...apt maybe. The list of things depression tells you Ruby is what I have been feeling but have not recognised it as a symptom of the illness. Thank you. I have been okay but not as free of it as I would wish since I was in the Priory in 2007. I am not as bad as I was then but I feel scared that the symptoms are recurring. it's time to see my Psych...Dr Mike McPhillips. You lovely man...I thank you for hearing me and knowing when I was so often told to keep quiet. My problem is when I go and he asks how are you, I will say fine. Because I am not used to people listening to me, my family of origin told me to shut up and I was nothing. I am used to that message and I disempower myself as a result. I feel I am making too much of a fuss but I am finding it increasingly more difficult to get up, shower and wash my hair instead of using dry shampoo...and I am bingeing on chocolate and biscuits. I don't understand why when I know not to do this I still do. There is no logic to this because it is my brain that is struggling. i cannot rely on it to look after me as I think it should. It's exhausting. My co-worker does not speak to me and has sent me to coventry because I have been late each day for nearly 4 years. Only 5 10 minutes. To me it's an achievement to have a job considering the place I have come from. I want to tell her, do you know what it's like to feel so heavy you cannot dress yourself. I want to tell her when she berates me for being large that she is young and has not had my life. I know her behaviour is unacceptable and I try not to hook in but today I felt vulnerable and let the negativity in. I should have walked my dog tonight but am sitting here and watching tv. I have just eaten a whole box of Tunnocks tea cakes. How can I lose weight and improve my health if I keep doing this. I don't know how. Yes, I think it's time to visit my Psych and let him know. what do I want from him. I want him to take it away. i want me back. I am looking for the lost girl.
alison wrote on 07 | 26 | 2012
The churn in my belly and incescent chatter in my head are my "pitter patters". Constant vigilance is the other. But as you point out just because you believe it to be true doesn't make your fear true. I read the Feel Good Guide Handbook by Dr Burns recently which was really useful, alot of CBT stuff which i need to discipline myself. But I like control! And I like studying. It makes me feel like i'm doing constructive for myself. Someone once said to me "Thought, ahhh, the enemy of action" Sometimes you jst have to DO stuff to distract your depressed thoughts and focus on an enjoyable task. Don't wait for motivation: It won't come. DO it and motivation will come to you. Thats what helps me but its like dragging a dead body around with me somedays. Don't ever wait to feel better. Get in the garden and take photos of your favourite plant or your husband when he's trying to have a poo or whatever.
alison wrote on 07 | 26 | 2012
The churn in my belly and incescent chatter in my head are my "pitter patters". Constant vigilance is the other. But as you point out just because you believe it to be true doesn't make your fear true. I read the Feel Good Guide Handbook by Dr Burns recently which was really useful, alot of CBT stuff which i need to discipline myself. But I like control! And I like studying. It makes me feel like i'm doing constructive for myself. Someone once said to me "Thought, ahhh, the enemy of action" Sometimes you jst have to DO stuff to distract your depressed thoughts and focus on an enjoyable task. Don't wait for motivation: It won't come. DO it and motivation will come to you. Thats what helps me but its like dragging a dead body around with me somedays. Don't ever wait to feel better. Get in the garden and take photos of your favourite plant or your husband when he's trying to have a poo or whatever.
KEW134 wrote on 05 | 16 | 2012
Please excuse all those typos! Ist one should read "fifth and final". Mindfull for the next one. And pewrful should read powerful. lastly, saved a fortune. Good luck to you all.
madhatter wrote on 05 | 01 | 2012
Hi. I know exactly what you mean when you feel like it has come up out of the blue and smacked you in the face. I have struggled for years and am trying to understand the triggers more to deal with it. Am reading a book on mindfulness so that I can be a bit more prepared like Ruby but at the moment I've had so little sleep that it just isn't sinking in. Writing has always helped so thought I would give this a go.
stronach wrote on 04 | 28 | 2012
i felt that pitter patter today and think i may have nipped it in the bud. i didnt know straight off what was going on. i though i was fine and my fiance asked me a couple of times if everything was alright. i think i was but that question set of a chain of questions in my head as to whether i was okay. scared i think is the best way to describe how i actually was. as to where i am, i know im further out than in. ive never felt like that because ive never seen it approaching it always been too late and seeming endless. not sure what to do exactly or if im even typing this in the right place? or if anyone will see it. anyway im open to suggestions on alot of things from navigating this website to dealing with depression.
KEW134 wrote on 05 | 16 | 2012
Stronach. I find this site soo frustrating! this the fiftha nad final attempt. Excuse all typos, cannot correct anything without losing the whole post! I found your post through the mindefullness link. I wanted to try and suggest something for you to check out. Google the Ligtning Process _ I did a seminar last week, and in 7 days have transformed my life after 22 years of depression. so pewrful for me, might not suit you, but all you need to do is take a look at it and judge for yourself. If someone had pointed me in this direction years ago I would have saveda fortune and been better for years now. Good luck with everything; hope you find your cure too.