Tis a season to be jolly!?
This is the first blog post I’ve ever written. A virgin blogger no longer.
Christmas is coming and I’m out of here. I am bound for Cape Town as I don’t resonate with the line, ”Tis a season to be jolly.” No pressure on us who wouldn’t know what jolly was if it came up and kicked us in the teeth. I wouldn’t even what muscles you have to use to pull a jolly face.
No holidays were celebrated in my house as a child, apart from Halloween, as my mother was too worried about all the cleaning up she’d have to do afterwards. But on Halloween you go out and you can make a mess at other people’s houses. Crumbs were her biggest fear and the idea of a real tree was the equivalent of sticking a knife in her heart. Once she got a cheap tree from the ‘everything for a dollar store’ made of tin foil so no nettles would drop off, and put my dog in a Christmas stocking. I think she missed the point...
I have reoccurring nightmares that Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders and their families are celebrating Christmas around a REAL decorated tree with a blazing fire, blazing. I’m an old woman in rags, all humped over out in the snow. I knock on the window and Jennifer opens the door and screams, “Get away old woman.” And I say sadly, “Don’t you remember me?” And she says, “No” and slams the door in my face. I know it’s coming it’s just when.
But those are my nightmares and luckily reality is a bit different.
It’s my daughter’s 21st birthday today - she is now older than me! Carrie Fisher is coming over at 3pm and I have decided I am going to wrap her in wrapping paper and give her to Maddy as a gift. I will take a photo and put it on the Black Dog Tribe Facebook page and my Twitter as it will be a big surprise to her and all her friends!
I do not know why Carrie has flown over today, I know it’s not because she knew she was going to be gift-wrapped but such is life. I first met Carrie when I interviewed her 400 years ago. Since then we’ve slept together many times. She looks how I feel and visa versa. Happy whatever it is that’s coming.
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If I haven't wecthad "A Christmas Story" then the season hasn't kicked off yet! Hi! New follower (and number 900! CONGRATS!!!) from the Mingle Monday hop! I hope you'll stop by and follow back! Thanks :)
If I haven't wecthad "A Christmas Story" then the season hasn't kicked off yet! Hi! New follower (and number 900! CONGRATS!!!) from the Mingle Monday hop! I hope you'll stop by and follow back! Thanks :)
Write something...
PPPPPPS - WHEN I WRITE MY BOOK - I THINK I WILL NEED A F...ING GOOD EDITOR!!!!!!!!
EVEN IF IT NEVER GET PUBLISHED (MAYBE NOT WANT THAT ANYWAY) - TOO TOOO TOOOO
PERONAL. I COULD NOT EVEN TELL MY SHRINK WHAT MY PROBLEMS WERE COS AGAIN THEY
ARE ME AND THEY ARE PERSONAL,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..........................????????????????!!!
MY DOCTORS AND SHRINKS AND ALL NOW KNOW A LITTLE BUT HOPEFULLY THAT ENOUGH????
I EVEN FORGIVE MY HUSBAND FOR WHATEVER AND WHENEVER AND WHATSOEVER SO THAT ALSO HELPS ME. WE HAVE TO ALSO REMEMBER THAT WE CAN ONLY SORT OUT ONE PERSON AND THAT ONE PERSON IS OURSELVES - READ ALANON - READ ALL THE BOOKS YOU CAN FIND=
READ THE BIBLE IF THAT HELPS YOU AND TALK TALK TALK IF THAT HELPS. THERE IS HELP
FOR US ALL WE JUST HAVE TO FIND IT. SOMETIMES YOU CAN JUST HEAR A DITTO DITTY AND IT MAKES US THINK, A SONG A FILM COULD BE ANYTHING AND MIGHT JUST BE YOUR GUARDIAN
ANGEL HELPING YOU. LOVE LOVE LOVE TO ALL ....................XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 0822
Write something...just forgot to say, i hope one day when am entirely well (if that is ever possible) to be able to do some good work to help the other poor (sad) LONELY (TIRED) MENTALLY EXHAUSTED MIXED UP IN THE HEAD, SCARED, FRIGHTENED ANXIOUS, AND ALL EMOTIONS ETC ETC. AND PHYSICALLY MENTALLY WRECKED PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!!!
FISH still ASLEEP even though I CALLED MY DOGS outside for a wee poo etc. One was alseep and he saw it move, stroked it and went back to his little dreamy world. we were both dog whispering last night but he would not obey his master (ME) SO NEED to work on him some more.
ITS bloody freezing outside when you only dressed in PJ's and boots but dogs done business and have checked my youngest chip's shepherds but she has taken away key to kennell so i couldn't let them out.
maybe key gone in case i run off with them. the horses i sort of checked but they also asleep (laying down right at top of field) so will check them later - let sleeping dogs(horses) lie!!!!!!!
I know i can ramble ramble ramble chops chops chops can't f...ing stop talking even have to gag myself before someone else gag me. I not sure why I can talk so much but will give your ears and brain a rest for now and am gonna drink my tea and rest my Brain (think I still got one). at least I HOPE SO!!!!!!
SI|GNED.................................... One stupid, silly, daft and OFTEN TOO NOISY and chatty OLD WOMAN..........................Even so AM AT THE MOMENT ONE HAPPY CHEERFUL AND CONTENTEDxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxLOVE YA xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
HA HA - 08.11 - FISH IN THE LAND OF NOD --------------STILL ..........................................ha ha ha
Write something...THINK I preseed wrong button again - this is so ....ing frustrating. will have to get computer help when mind is sorted better. I THINK I was telling how I HAVE been away (I have been to
see my shrink (Psychiatrist) WITH MY CHIPS and little SIS AND BEST FRIEND). i NOW HAVE FISH LOOKING AFTER ME cos the outcome from my SHRIMNK/HOSPITAL IS CONFINEMENT (but i am SO LUCKY COS I CONFINED TO MY HOME). One of my biggest FEARS WAs TO BE COMFINED TO A
MENTAL ESTABLISHMENT (WHAT I CALL A NUT HOUSE). I KNOW that this is not a very nice way to describe this cos I am sure they would have only wanted to HELP ME>))))). iT IS NOW 6.46 AM so you can see how slow i am cos started aT ABOUT 6,00 AM. WELL since my confinement to home i am not allowed to go anywhere withouth fish and chips, family or friends cos i am on such damgerously strong medication. I can still taste the awful sleeping pill that I HAVE TO TAKE at the moment.THEY ARE SO YUUUUK YUUK YUK LEAVING A TASTE like you been in the field eating animal droppings - even worse than fags or too much tea ands coffe in your mouth.I will have to ask my fish how m,any hours i slept - (BY THE WAY HE STILL ASLEEP) so I got the house to myself. HOOOOOORAY.think my pooches are
asleep with him too - probably sitting on his head. i tell him when he wakes.!!!! hes a good carer to have with me cos he sleeps like a LOG and not hear a thing (not even an alarm) clock. I Still love of all my carers to bits (have had the best care I could WISH for. My no.1 carer was little sis and i think i probably did her head in but she brilliant cook, maid and carer. no.2 was my oldest chip and she was also an EXCELLENT carer cos she stayed here with me with my one and only grandaughter and we
were allowed to play with our babies(DOLLS). she only 7 so we get on famously. Now I got FISH and then I think the next carer is gonna be middle sis (another good time to be had - we have hilarious silly times cos she been here too). Maybe i also get my youngest chip as carer but she very busy with 11 pups, 4 shepherds (German) and my youngest grandson,. my eldest grandson in Sweden but he be
with his DAD but he will be here on the 11th Feb so time for another party if i CAN. hopefully my carers will let this happen. Just off to make a cuppa........ nedd 4 before i settle and only had 1 so far........
have got kettle on and have just checked my FISH (he fast asleep,,,,,,, snoring.......farting.........lokks like a baby laying peacefully on sofa. i am on another sofa but while i sriting this am in the kitchen and my
2 lovely pooches are in my pit asleep.I call my bed my pit cos i have now definitely been confirmed as
polar bear 2. (my name for bipolar). i am not worried which polar bear i am so long as am on right treatment for it. think i might be now - but NOT SURE cos i always think I am right and all doctors and
carers wrong. who cares anyway cos i have got all these lovely lovely people with me. (MY other team a
are my CRASH TEAM (crisis team) and they are all lovely too. My doctors, psychiatrists (Dr Lush1 and
LUSH LUSH LUSH, my support team Faye, Mel and Jane are all doing an excellent JOB on me. I write to
them also ONE day, but if I should forget maybe they read this and know who they are.??????? I also have one very very special neighbour (and her daughter) who have been there for me (poor things) they know me so not so bad. My special neighbour just listens when i need her too and she helps me
to take my MIND off things cos when you like I am its a bit like having a jet plane flying round your BRAIN
at 10,000 miles per hour. AM now on second cuppa (tea) so getting even more awake and HAPPY. I have just read what have witten (maybe a sign i getting better help cos i don't usually bother to read the written work as have so much time to do it and so little time to read it. i just wrote that a bit wrong but
if you on my wavelength you will understand what i mean. i forgot to memntion another special in my life and saw him yesterday (my middle grandson) I did my dog-whispering skills on him and his sister yesterday cos |I had headache so had to sort them a little. My eldest is in Sweden and he sent me a little note saying he (SAD TO HEAR I ILL) this really upset me cos i read this when i knew i was going to be assessed. BUT LIKE THE SAYING " ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL"- I WILL JOT DOWN A FEW
MORE WHICH MAKE SO MUCH SENSE TO ME:
2 WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT OUT OF BAD ONLY GOOD CAN COME!!!!
BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER A STITCH IN TIME SAVES 9 000000!!!!
ITS LIKE P...ING IN THE OCEAN DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER (LOOK INSIDE)
(JUST CHECKED ON FISH AND POOCHES ALL DREAMING WITH MY ANGLES 07.32)
(GOOD JOB I DIDN'T NEED TO TAKE MEDICATION AT 07.30)?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY LIFE BEEN IN SUCH A MESS AND MY HOUSE TOO - PEOPLE COME IN AND TIDY UP FOR ME THEN EVEN HARDER TO FIND THINGS - I SOMETIMES (not always) DO KNOW where things are. I have written a list of my favourite proverbs, sayings, songs etc etc etc. but HAVE LOST THE LIST AT
MOMENT. Think I have written enough now cos gotta get 3rd cup now!!!!!! Maybe during day 07.45)
i might or might NOT find my lists. if i don't write these lists down to remind me what to do then i not get
very far. Had a lovely walk with my CARERS (family and dogs) yesterday. it was cold but the wind blows my cobwebs out and the walk (run etc.) across the fields helps me and my BRAIN> LOVA YA AND PLEASE PLEASE TAKEN CARE all of you cos I BEEN OR AN THERE STILL> NOT SURE WHICH xxxxxx
Write something...I been a way for a while ....... just tried to read my blog but am not always sure
i am reading mine or someone elses. This is what can happen because we are all so familiar with what
we write. Also a lot which i THINK THAT I HAVE WRITTEN i CAN'T FIND??? NEVER MIND!!!!! i WILL
Write something..PPPS m AT THE MOMENT i feel I DON'T WANt to log out because it takes me so
long to log in. Seems like i been logging in for weeks. I SAW something which said i only been blogging for 4 days (FEELS LIKE 4 YEARS)......
i CAN log off or out now cos i know my GA WILL HELP IF NEEDED.........................................bm.
Write something...well, for some reason it has taken me what seems like weeks to get back onto this blog. This I think is partly due to my state of mind and computer (knowledge, or lack of). I AM STILL LIVING SLIGHTLY IN FEAR. Not just slightly in fear but also THINKING I AM ON ROAD TO RECOVERY
and then because of circumstances and events in my mind am also thinking I probably a long way from being completely recovered. My guardian angel is still with me and helping to write this. I ramble because my mind is still in a whirr and whirl whatever!!!!!! I have experienced some weird (I do'nt
think MAD) but very unusual circumstances (maybe my BRAIN IS BEING TRICKED) OR MAYBE IT IS
BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL STATE. Before I tell you about my experiences I WOULD like to know if anyone else has experienced the same. I have experienced these WHATEVER before (But many manymany years ago.) Just quickly I have experienced things which are too much and too many to be JUST A COINCIDENCE. I belive that someone (guardian angel is still carrying me and telling me what to
do, how to behave (because I can behave quite badly at times). I also can swear a lot, giggle and talk to myself (this happened last night). Hear things, and even experience things that are quite scary but then when I have had time to not feel scared seem to understand they are not HARMFUL. Something or somebody (GA) is helping. I still hope he not gonna trip arse over head and then drop me (on my head).
Today, I have been to an old old old friends Funeral, I call him a friend because I only can remember nice things about him. I have not seen this person for over 40 years and even then did not know him that well. At the funeral I recognised faces in the room but did not know who they were. This, in my mind, was a little scary, b ut later when we had left the church (crem) and met with SOME of the faces I think I could remember (more after talking with them) as I am 62 and rather forgetful. BUT it is strange how your mind can remember things from such a long time ago but can't even remember falling out of bed that morning.Sometimes I think my MIND is playing tricks, but am 99.9% certain its NOT BECAUSE OF PREVIOUS SIMILAR EVENTS. I PERSONALLY THINK THERE IS SOMETHING OUT THERE HELPING (OR HAUNTING) US ALL. SORRY about the capital letters, but thats not me putting them in!!!
By now you must ALL think I barking MAD so will go and get my dinner. If there is anyone else who has had these out of body experiences, too much happening that it can't JUST BE a coincidence
Later, I will go on to tell you about a LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY LADY (not me) and things that she has
done in HER LIFE (EVEN THOUGH I don't KNOW THEM ALL!!!!!???????) I met this person, by the way, at the FUNERAL and have not seen her for many years also. (BArking)
then please BLOG meps i DIDN'T DO THIS EITHER!!!!!!! my COMPUTER (OR GA) did!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Write something...Christmas a time when the kids wake you up at a stupid hour,they cannot wait to get into the wrapping paper to see what father not really christmas has got them,and then it is the usual face that really is not smiling and the oh thank you what i always wanted in my nightmare look of disgust.
Then it is lets try everything at once and just leave the wrapping paper on the floor it will not matter after a few days it will look like the carpet.
Christmas a time to love and give and mainly take,a time for me i am afraid to hide under the covers and tell people i am ill so i will get peace and quiet all day.
Did i you ask bah humbug i really do hate this time of year i feel down and sad but i always look on to the summer when we will have sun,yes that is it one day of sun and the rest,well need you ask we live in England,wet,cold and miserable.
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i was with my aged, but still "with it" parents for xmas. i took part and observed at the same time and it helped me to reflect on where a lot of my problems come from. my parents are not warm people. they're ok as acquaintances, but not great on the parenting front. i don't blame them, but i do hold them responsible for some damage. they have small horizons despite being intelligent and articulate. i'm a more expansive thinker and i was punished for being different and to some extent still am. so xmas was dull, but informative and my mother who has middle class pretentions, was forced to sit next to an incontinent and farting old lady, which was good to watch.
Wow! At last kindred spirits that admit to hating Christmas! Strange isn't it, that if i declared I was a vegan then most people would respect it and go out of there way to accomodate me, yet declare you hate Christmas and people still delight in rammig it down your throat, "go on, you know you want to really", well no I don't!! Argh........... The worse nightmare, like waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is Noddy Holder screaming its Christmas! Theres a glimmer of hope in the advent bit, but as the decorations come out my soul seems to fall into the black hole that they have left behind in the cupboard, where to keep you company are all of lives disappointments to remind you of how inadequate you are for not being able to join in.
At least the decorations have gone back in the cupboard so I have been evicted from the dark hole. Medication helped this year! Stopped the full blown anxiety attack at least! One has to be gratful for small gifts from the prescription pad!So ever onwards...... Happy New year tribe!
Happy New Year to All. Hope u r all OK. Depression sucks. Comedy does help...eventually.
mmm. Hello...I feel OK.
Write something. I hate Christmas with a passion. I hate being forced to join in something I hate as well. I feel so pressurised but afterwards it takes me ages to get my equilibrium back, that's what i resent the most. I also hate it when people burst into my house all smiles and laughing and all I want to do is stab myself in the eyes!! lol
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Festive hols and obligations loom.People want to 'catch up' and I just want to be tied to my sofa. I want to say no to everything yet can't find the courage, so i try to find excuses which are lies and close the blinds and put out the lights.Why do friends seem a pressure yet I feel so alone?
To see something truely amazing that has happenned on Blac Dog Tribe Ruby, spend five and read the thread below:
Being told I had Done Something Wrong
Fruitloop and AnxiouIwas have literally prevented my from another suicide attampt. Just look at what this online community can do. It is amazing. I cannot be more thankfull
I hope that you are having a great time in Cape Town. I have been exceeding drunk there several times.
Clicks to you for meeting Carrie Fisher (again). She is the Gisele Bündchen of the mentally ill.
I was watching Soapdish the other night and saw Carrie Fisher and Robert Downey Jnr (in character) trying to cast a bi polar character. Ironic?
I hope the 2012 brings great things to you and your family.
While in Cape Town - beware of baboons (talking from experience). A 6ft 7 fat man fighting with a baboon over a picnic box of food. The baboon won.
Write something...hAVE JUST read your blog - I at the moment am feeling and acting as though i were DRUNK. I'M not sure but think I haven't touched a drop for several days (I not need it at the moment.is tis so strange that I can feel like this wihthout any drink (not sure exactly what is happening). ........
ONE PUZZLED ..................t!!!!!!!!!! mAYBE AM STILL DRUNK FROM SAT. I GHINK THAT WAS THE LAST TIME - BUT BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL STATE - NOT EVEN CERTAIN ABOUT THAT!!!!!! in FACT i bit CONFUSED ALTOGHETHER..........................................(MY ga hELPED WITH THIS)...???
Christmas has been endured! The best part was that my children wanted a fry-up for Christmas lunch, so that was what we had: bacon, eggs, sausages, mushrooms and the rest; it was different enough to produce some pleasure.
The Christmas "I'm having a good time" face can now be put away again.
I've just had a day wandering around on my own, looking at all the people trying to be happy by buying all they can afford (and much they can't).
I am slightly envious of you jetting away to South Africa - I often want to run off somewhere myself, but then I realise - I can't run away from myself. So... It's back to normal(?)
Write something...I cancelled Christmas last year as I felt so awful and it was the bestgif I could have done for myself as I didn't have to pretend to be ok.
Write something... My Step-dad told me about this website - Thank you.
This is hard for me, cause everything I type, I have to check loads of times before i send it - sooooooooo time consuming. This is not because I am obessessive over spellings or grammar, but that part of my ocd is to check everything i have written, only developed this in last few years - hence, I don't write many letters (I am now laughing).
It's Christmas Day and I wanted to say Hello and gain ideas or just knowledge. Maybe, I will chat again some more.
Thanks Ruby x
p.s I know there are spelling mistakes above - sorry.
Write something...Today is the day I've joined Black Dog Tribe and I am exicited and happy to have done so.I Have been an "out" bi-polar bear for some time but have decided 2012 I will not only be out, I shall be out and proud (and probably too loud) in campaigning on mental heatlh issues.I have been diagnosed bi-polar since 1991 so I figure there's no time to lose whilst I have a period of relative stability x
Well Done Ruby!!
In my opinion this forum is a brilliant example of the creativity that can come out of a horrible depressive experience. I hope and expect it'll go from strength to strength
Chris
You are a lovely & courageous woman, Ruby Wax.
Enforced jollity is as hugely enjoyable as everything else that is en-forced, hugely not.
Let's all just say no to it, and no to as many "obligations" as we have the strength to resist.
Huge respect,
Rob
xxx
Well done Riby for launching this initiative and encouraging the rest fo us to help fight the Black Dog.
Hi, I am Tony and I have just registered having been given the link by my great friend Suzy.
I joined t help others learn what I have discovered in the past 12 months that turned Christmas 2010 which was the worst of my life into this Christmas Eve and my excitement aboiut spending tomorrow with my three grown up children and two grandchildren.
The Black Dog had me last year but with the tools, techniques, methodologies and practices I have discovered I have learned to fight back and get control of my life again - you can too and I would like to help you.
I plan tp write a seperate blog for Ruby with all of the stuff I have foind - mostly from the Web but in the meantime take a look at a video from the Everything is Eneregy team David & Kristen Morrelli its good and could help you at this sensitive time of year.
http://www.everythingisenergy.com/2011/12/a-present-a-holiday-ah-ha-for-...
All the best, Tony.
Write something...Enjoying your site evry much-you've done a great job!
Am just off to start my xmas with a brief stay at family's (just getting ready to prepare the "it's christmas and I'm happy" face!). Just wanted to wish you a good christmas, and hope Cape Town's a good rest for you. I'm just about to book a flight there for March...
Good wishes to you all, and let's hope 2012 brings more recognition to mental health.....xx
A happy birthday to your daughter! Even if you aren't feeling festive at least you have a birthday to celebrate. Christmas is such an anti-climax so you'll be spared the big come down on Boxing Day ;)
ps. Welcome to blogging - I warn you -it's strangely addictive!
A happy birthday to your daughter! Even if you aren't feeling festive at least you have a birthday to celebrate. Christmas is such an anti-climax so you'll be spared the big come down on Boxing Day ;)
ps. Welcome to blogging - I warn you -it's strangely addictive!
Shes going to love her new Carrie - much easier to wrap than a Fry or Dreyfus too!
x
This year I'm very tired and I don't want to take part in the festivities, having had the door slammed in my face. Without realising I had fallen into a dark cycle, I drove away some with my negativity and cut myself off from the rest.
On Christmas day I want to sleep without setting the alarm and stay wrapped up in my duvet until I finish reading my book. When I feel hungry I want to eat good cheese and crackers before curling up in front of a favourite film. Instead I am cooking for family as I am trapped by obligation.
I will put on a smile and make merry but inside I will feel hollow.
Cape Town sounds like an excellent plan, I will endure this time and plan my next escape to somewhere full of colour and interest where I can choose to engage with people if I want or remain wrapped in my covers, reading a book or maybe, just maybe, writing something myself.
Write something...wow.
Thanks, Ruby. The enforced jolliness is a pain up the behind! Enjoy Cape Town.